The Real Folk Horoscope

By Cody Lyman
Reader Columnist

Sagittarius

Due to the interstitial flux gradient of the bipolar fractal fracture around the synchronistic tendencies of the nine nearest pulsars, and in accordance, of course, with the shift of tessellation in the osmoidial resistance of the undulate tissues around the local nodule of our space-time field’s resonant metamorphosis capacities, you will be on the cheery side this month.

Capricorn

It’s not always as bad as it seems. In fact, it’s often times worse.

Aquarius

Sail that ship — before it sails you.

Pisces

Sometimes looking for evidence of love in loved ones (not to mention potential

loved ones) is like searching for signs of life on Mars. At which juncture you’ll be met with what’s among the most difficult decisions in all of Life: keep searching indefinitely, or put your resources elsewhere. Needless to say, either way, the search is endless. Whatever you choose to do, it will be more than a calculated action — mostly a natural, likely uncontrollable response, leaving you saying, especially to yourself, “Nothing to see here.”

No matter what happens, it will seem like you always knew the way it would happen all along.

Aries

Is it just me, or does it seem cruel that the word “lisp” should contain the letter “s”?

Taurus

You must look out for yourself above all else. You are, after all, your own worst enemy.

Gemini

Stab around in the dark. The worst that’ll happen is you might strike a nerve.

Cancer

New traditions begin as a way of avoiding less-new traditions. For example, people go to the movies on Black Friday to avoid the crowds in shopping malls and department stores and other giant boxes of the sort; and, eventually, a select few during those movies will be daydreaming up ways to avoid the crowds at the movies next year come Black Friday.

And so on and on and on.

Leo

Nothing is coming to me for you this month, which must mean there is a rapture approaching and you, I can only presume, my dearest Leos, and your pride, will be the chosen ones.

Virgo

My mother used to tell me that I was so full of shit my eyes were brown, and I believed her. I thought my eyes would turn brown for split seconds whenever I tried to lie, even though my eyes are blue.

Libra

You’ll have to reach out. Reeeeeeeeeeaaaach… so that your arms are already out in front of you, to break your fall.

Scorpio

You will have a happy New Year, whether you like it or not.